Church Humour

Church


One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.

Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."

The Best Way To Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean "
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having "Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner."



Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'


With the worst premonition he opened the envelope, and with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.


We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so


Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.



Love,

Your Son John


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.   I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.


I love you.


Call me when it's safe to come home...

A Mother Would Know

Cup of Tea.




Where would we be without Mothers to keep us men straight?  Here is a young woman's story of her parents:

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 3 years old, and someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift. 

It was one of my favourite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
 
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.
 
My Dad made her sit quietly in another room, so mum could watch me bring dad the cup of tea, because I was so cute.

Mum waited, and sure enough, I came walking down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.
 

Mum watched dad drink from the tea cup.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know......)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet ?'

Proper Diagnosis

Sunday Morning Humour

H/t MDW

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, I'm sorry, your pet duck has passed away.

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead",� replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?", she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room..

A few minutes later the Vet returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20 but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

New Pastor in Town

Funny (Not True) Story

A young boy is standing in front of a store as his mother shops inside.  He is approached by a well dressed man, who asks him for directions to the post office.  He tells him that he is to go two blocks down in the direction he is pointing, and then turn right.  He is to go another block and there is is on his left.

The man thanks him and then introducing himself, tells him that he is Father O'Leary and that he has just come to town as the pastor of the local Catholic Church.  He invites the young boy and his family to come to his new church where he will show them about the way to heaven.

The young boy, being sharp off the mark, says:  "C'mon Father, how can you show us the way to heaven?  You can't even find the post office."

H/t My Dear Wife

Just the Stone Cold Truth - No Sissy Stuff

That's What Friends Are For

Here is what my wife's friendship means to one of her friends, though I think this is not an original creation.  But knowing the particular woman, it could be.

No Sissy Stuff  Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad,  I will jump on the person who made you sad  like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!

2. When you are blue,  I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you're scared, we will high tail it out of here.

5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you  quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6. When you are confused, I will use little words.

7. When you are sick, Stay away from me until you are well again.  I don't want whatever you have.....

8. When you fall, I'll pick you up and dust you off-- After I laugh my rear off!!

9. This is my oath...I pledge it to the end..

'Why?' you may ask; -- because you are my FRIEND!


Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only YOU can feel the true warmth.

He thought it was funny.






Dionne Warwick and her Friends saw it a bit differently

The Christmas Parrot

A Little Humour

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Merry Christmas.......